I’m going back to the start.”

我說, 我要動工興建我的堡壘; 我的心現在需要一層一層的銅牆鐵壁, 要比以前的還要堅固, 好讓它將我重門深鎖, 不會再讓任何人進來。

學習放手, 是一種漫長的過程, 他們說, 有段痛苦, 會是無可避免. 撑過去了, 就會豁然明白, 一切, 都不過是觀點與角度的落差. 並不代表誰要放棄誰, 只是到了時侯, 我們便要放過自己.

比如說，關於自己的日常，我不知應不應該寫。

關於我的情感，也不知從何說起。

關於身邊的人和事，很多想說的，都變得不合身份。

我覺得，來這裡看的人，已經看不出我是個怎樣的人。我也漸漸的，看不清自己了。所以我希望，可能再次憑藉我的記錄，重新歸納自己，認識自己。那天，我再拿起了久違了的書本。薄薄的一本書，我一直貪婪的在讀，恨不得快些看完，又捨不得那錐心的感覺。看完了書的那個晚上，我哭了。我喜歡被事物所感動的感覺。那一刻，我覺得自己再次有了血肉。

我想，現在開始，用心的，記下我的27歲。

Now is the time of our comfort and plenty
These are the days we’ve been working for
Nothing can touch us and nothing can harm us
No, nothing goes wrong anymore

Singing a song with your feet on the dashboard
The cigarette streaming into the night
These are the things that I want to remember
I want to remember you by

It won’t come again
‘Cos love is the end
Oh no, my friend
Love is the end

I took off my clothes and I ran to the ocean
Looking for somewhere to start anew
And when I was drowning in that holy water
All I could think of was you

Oh my friend
Love is the end
So best not pretend
‘Cos love is the end

Take it back, don’t let it die
Or rage against the fallen night
Cos I still do, depend on you
So don’t say those words, they run me through

Woah, oh oh
Love is the end
So let’s not pretend
‘Cos love is the end

And so I tread the only road
The only road I know
Nowhere to go, but home
Nowhere to go
Maybe our time is up
But still you can’t abandon
all the principles of love
Don’t say those words
oh, Don’t say those words

Parachutes – Coldplay

In a haze, a stormy haze, I’ll be round,
I’ll be loving you always, always.
Here I am and I’ll take my time,
Here I am and I’ll wait in line always,
Always.

可是那天，他卻說，喜歡的是那個時候無拘無束自立的我。

聽到了之後，萬分的難過。天知道現在的我，為了他人的幸福快樂，苦心經營，但覺得快樂和值得。那個時候自由自在但孤單的感覺，想起就無奈。過去和現在，就一定是矛盾的嗎？都不過是同一個脆弱的心神而已。

我也很想從兩者之間找一個平衡。我想說，我有太多的未知，還是會不斷的做錯事情，講錯說話。我只是想努力做好，我只是不想再被嫌棄、被扔下。剩下一個人的時候，其實，我並不如你們所看到的那麼堅強。

但我或許要試著改變吧。就試試再獨個兒去看電影，去逛街買東西，去看風景沉思。就讓我慢慢來，再做好自己。

looks awfully-like a deer isn’t she?

Yellow – Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called “Yellow”.
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all “Yellow.”
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all “Yellow”,
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all “Yellow.”
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know,
For you I’d bleed myself dry,
For you I’d bleed myself dry.
It’s true,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

Dearest,

I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

Love,

Virginia

(the last note to her husband Leonard, by Virginia Woolf)

沒有耐性等電話。沒有耐性等放工。沒有耐性聽別人說話(常常有時別人在說話我在超然物外)。沒有耐性說真心話。沒有耐性看書。沒有耐性看朋友寫的字。沒有耐性寫自己的事。沒有耐性等見工的消息。沒有耐性等放假去旅行。沒有耐性關心身邊的事。沒有耐性關心甚少見面的友人。

甚至今天晚人各有好久不見的朋友P和好久沒有通電的外國朋友L來電，我竟然發現我的不耐煩(不是嫌他們煩只是想盡快回去做本身正在做的事)蓋過了我聽到久違了的聲音的喜悅。看到了文朋友張貼了的文章一大篇，看了一段，就耐不住看不下去。老實說我不是有更重要的事。只是，我看我就是越來越沒有耐性感受物事。還是，我們每個人都是這樣呢？長大了，要操心的東西自然多了，其他人的事情自自然理不了那麼多，久而久之，你我他和她都對物事失去興趣。提不起勁談天說地；沒有想看的振奮人心的電影(或者是沒有想被振奮的衝動)；再精緻的食物都只是飽肚一頓；錯過了好天氣不嘆息，因為好又一天，不好又是一天，晴天雨天，要是什麼都不想做，也就是什麼都不想做。一到假期，就總會有友人致電來找節目，就好悶好悶有什麼好做。就連獨處，也沒有耐性。結果走了出去，胡亂的找點什麼來做，過後又不耐煩的想要回家。如果沒有外出留了在家，又會覺得什麼都做不了。不想看電視不想純粹上網聊天不想看書沒人跟你講電話不想美容不想收拾。覺得夜好長今天好靡爛。好想這一天快些過去。

沒有耐性。都是因為還會期待，明天會過得好一點。

究竟別人又有沒有耐性，去看我這一篇瞎扯？

[ She will be loved - Maroon 5 ]